Happy New Year all!
2015 has already started out rough for me. My girlfriend and I are no longer together after a rocky but overall amazing 4 and a half year relationship. We spent 2 years long distance, a year in college, together dealing with crazy parents not wanting us together (her parents), and survived almost two years in this “real world” trying to recapture and hold on to something familiar. The pain and hurt I feel are horrible and I wouldn’t wish this on my greatest rival. However, the show must go on. A part from that, my exit strategy failed at my job and so I made my exit there before I wanted to. Initially I wanted to save about 5-6 thousand dollars but events happened that made me blow up at some of my supervisors and they sent me packing (great severance package, though).
My dreams of publishing my poetry book are now put on hold while I try and pick up the pieces of my life. The real goal of this time is rediscovering and maybe redefining that passion I once had for life. I have to find out what it is that keeps me going, keeps me moving, and keeps me growing.
Once upon a time, it was my girlfriend, before her it was trying to save the world and do good work, and before that it was blowjobs (joke). Needless to say, I have grown a bit and I have buried parts of my ambition and passion, thinking I was on the long and boring road to husband-hood and married life. I had disappointing results trying to save the world as most of my readers already know. I realized that I didn’t know enough nor will I ever know enough about the complexities of our constructed system to wage war with the real issues and tackle the world’s problems. So, jaded is a term that is ‘tip of the iceberg’ when talking about my outlook on life, now. Cynical doesn’t do me justice, and pessimistic is a compliment, to say the least.
I say all that to introduce this month’s milestone in writing, which is dealing with setbacks in life. Life is truly a bitch, but when she’s on her period and turns things upside-down in your corner of the universe, how do you hunker down and keep pushing forward?
How do I begin to rebuild my life, the life I thought I so desperately wanted, while figuring out what I really want from life, also? Can I continue finding courage and brightness in places that remind me of what life used to mean to me?
These questions apply to personal and career choices I have recently been forced to make. I am, of course, still figuring them out as I move forward, but therein lies the answer: “Keep moving forward”. I mean, I could use this time to get down on myself. I could even quit everything and go back to my hometown and live hand-to-mouth like so many others before me.
Or I can stand—broken, but able to continue crawling forward ready for whatever phase, whatever level is ahead of me. Yes, I have to reevaluate some things. Reexamine timeframes, goal deadlines and such, but it’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of me. It has been a long time since I have been this down. My first readers ought to remember when I began this blog. They remember me being depressed about finding a job. After a while my job woes were silenced and so too will these woes. I constantly have to remind myself of that. And whenever you feel like that, no matter how hard it is to see any light or end of pain in sight, just remember to keep moving, keep dreaming, and keep loving. Life goes on!
This Great Horrible Journey Called... 